Here I am..?

So, here I am...and that's about it at this point. I'm trapped on top of this wonderfully dreadful mountain that I perceive to be my life. To be honest, I am extraordinarily lonely. I miss everything that I used to be. I dread everything that is in my future. So, here I am, compressed on both sides: longing and fear with a disgusting isolated feeling rotting me from the inside. I can keep pretending, at least I have that still.
I can keep up this damned facade. Philosophy is teaching me why I am wrong. Oh no, not wrong about what I am feeling, rather, I am wrong on my perceptions of reality. The worst part is...it actually makes sense. It isn't some bullshit I can just throw away and laugh about later, it's real and can be proven. Where I thought to find answers I've found only...well, nothing. More questions haven't come to mind, that would be welcome. If what I see is not even real, then why question it? Haha! I named my blog "Why?" and now I don't even want to ask anymore. Deep down, I still want to know, but now, there isn't a goal. Now "why not?" doesn't fulfill my desire. "Why not?" has become a sort of joke...with real answers...and real implications.
I wish I wasn't awake, rather I wish I still lived in that blissful stupidity. Not knowing was comfortable...I could find answers one at a time, and they'd be found for fun's sake. Now, something as easy as "Here I am" holds no meaning...answers aren't fun, they are terrifying and even worthless. It's as if I am trying to fill a glass with a hole in the bottom. Worse, I'm filling that glass and I KNOW there is a hole, but I keep on pouring with and idiotic smile on my face. Why can't I just get old so I can stop worrying, settle into mundane obscurity, like everyone else? A professor said something to my class. He said, "Philosophy is a dangerous profession. Many are killed and for those who aren't, off themselves." Thinking is dangerous to one's health. When one dwells, they die, or go mad. Neither is an appealing choice. So what is left? Stop asking? Stop questioning? Simply exist? If only it were that easy.
So, now I have to face, yet another, question: "what should I do?" Or, better yet: "why should I do?" Here I am, on the doorstep what may be one of the most important choices of my life...and I don't even know if I AM. Frankly, I don't know what answer is worse. If I do exist, if I don't...Perhaps, it's better assuming the former, but I'll never truly know. On that track (the one where I am, rather than I am not, pay attention now) I am faced with my desire to make everything the way it used to be. I know it never will be, I've even accepted that fact, but the longing won't go away. On top of that, "what should I do?" rears its ugly head again. I want certain things...and then I don't...and then I do...etc. I wish I knew what I was going to become, so that I could resent it and then accept it. Life would be far easier. Maybe, it would keep my mind off of the past.
For now, I'll enjoy that wonderful crushing hug that I mentioned earlier and maybe make some friends...haha, it took me seventeen years the last time! So, reader, wish me luck. I'll wish you contentment, because I know I'll never find it for myself.