Not Bipolar...Keep that in Mind

I am not full of angst. It’s the strangest thing. “A teenager,” you ask “who isn’t particularly moody?” Well, the answer to your unasked question is a resounding, YES! Well, maybe not that excited, but still un-tormented by inner demons. At the same time, I naively wonder what it is like to be a tortured artist or a generally unhappy person. I wish I could be a deep brooding coffee house-dweller who reads edgy poetry. I’m not sure that I could handle it. Such emotional stress would manifest itself as physical stress and I would likely find myself unable to move by midday. Trustfully, I don’t know how they do it. I tried to be angst-y for an entire day once. I used a fight I had with a friend as the base for by anger and depression. I couldn’t hold on to it for more than an hour or so. Maybe I just don’t have the proper training. I’m not sure.
I’ve never really listen to much music. If you’d ask me a question on the subject I would stare at you, mouth slack, eyes glossy, and answer your inquiry with an eloquent “Gah?” Even the music I do listen to, I know little about. I tend to listen to big band era, jazz, and classical music. I know! What a freak! …I’m pretty sure I just called myself a freak, but I will venture onward. Something about a full, swingin’ band gets to me and I can’t help but perform a stereotypically white dance. When I listen to Bach or Hayden I almost have to do that goofy air composer thing. You know what? I enjoy doing what I do, so it doesn’t matter what it looks like…well, at least to me it doesn’t matter.
I think I lied a little bit when I said that I was angst-less. There is one thing that really (pardon the cliché) pisses me off. Why do people insist on making asses of themselves? Let me go a little more in depth. I think it is pretty safe for me to say that I really do little to gain the animosity of others. I really do live by my “dinky” code of conduct. I truly believe that we are all beings based in pure happiness, so I treat others as I would treat myself. I mean, if we are all capable of happiness, mankind’s primal nature, then what gives me the right to disallow another being of his/her true self? So, using my same logic, I am completely baffled by others who seek to destroy their fellow beings. In what stretch of the imagination does it make sense to ridicule others, especially another who does not retaliate or disserve mockery? Perhaps it sounds conceited, but I have done NOTHING to disserve others talking about me…BEHIND MY BACK! Who the hell do you think you are? What gives you the right, what have I done to disserve your venom?
Of course, I brush it off, but it the question still haunts me, deep in my subconscious. I know that no matter what you do, someone will dislike you, but I do not accept or understand their stinging remarks. I regress to my introverted meditation…release my anguish and return to Life. I must hold on to my beliefs, and thus remain my cheerful self. Life marches on and there is no point to dwell on the negative…what does it accomplish?

The Answer: (place here)

I am perplexed. I ask myself the eternal question: why? Why do I put up with this? Why do I continue? Eerily, I answer my I own question: why not? Why not tends to outweigh why and I move on to the next thought. In life, I follow this oath of “why not” and, so far, no ill has come of it. Perhaps my continence knows what he is doing (yes….he) as I march through my life. I feel as though I am on cruise control. When this occurs to me I look back and realize that, most of the time, what I do is the right thing to do. That sounded conceded. I am not always right, but from a moral stand-point, I feel as though I am on the cliché “light” side, as opposed to the even more cliché “dark” side. Do I care whether or not others judge my actions? Occasionally. Why? Why not? It can’t kill me to be aware of others perceptions, but do I deeply care enough to change the way I am…no. Absolutely not. I am not Yahweh, but I am what I am. To me, life is not depressing. Frankly, life is much too short to be depressed. Ack! I know, I know, that sounded very corny, but that is what I truly believe. Why be dark and foreboding? HA! Why not? I caught myself! Well, in this case, the end does not justify the means. What does one accomplish by being an emotional vacuum, a black hold of depression? Does one get a thrill out of crushing people, making them numb and shadowed like him? Yes. No. One is not “deep” when they are excruciatingly miserable. True and spiritual maturity only comes from the joy one can find in life. You scoff? Why? Why not? To you, perhaps, happiness is a trivial emotion. A smile is only a mask your peers can wear to disguise the true turmoil roiling around inside of them. Delight is a fool’s game, a translucent wall of pretense. Pure joy is a fantasy, a myth, that the brainless zombies quest for until they die, unfulfilled. Death, the only thing in life that one can count on. No, if mankind is not this way. To borrow from a “children’s” film, we are very much like onions. Our outer layer is a front. It is an emotional barrier made out of glass. It serves two purposes: it is the glass that we wish for people to view us through and also, it is the glass that we view the world through. We all desperately want people to see us a certain way. The barrier is a front, our own perception of us. At the same time, we peer through the glass, through our own “understanding” of the world, at others with whom we cohabit. This layer of the onion is almost never truly shattered. Even with friends, we must act the way that we and others see us. If you go beyond the glass layer you would find a layer dominated by opposing factions. Two, different camps that wage an endless war for dominance. This is where the human potential for good and evil standoff. We draw upon these entities daily and one must be wary on their choice of weapon. If one chooses either, he must recognize the consequences of his actions. Also, one must be careful not overuse either weapon or else be consumed by it. Our innate tendency for evil makes it so that it is much easier to be overwhelmed by it. Watch out! Now, I may be wrong, but this is what I believe lies behind that layer. Our true, human nature resides here. It is a swirling mass of colors capable of both negative and positive qualities. Human nature can attack and destroy, or aid and protect, but there is one thing that remains a constant. Human nature is joy. This is where our true happiness lies. It is a primal and powerful emotion that is extremely difficult for most to access. We are creatures with a base of pure joy and I hope to someday uncover my core some day. Everyone should try to do the same. Why? What’s the point of being happy? Because that is what we are made from and it is the only emotion the truly suits us. Why? Why not?