Mushroom

Thank you, Flyleaf! Despite "I'm So Sick" being extremely dark and foreboding, with it and the lovely clear sky, I have been given another boost! Here I am, happy to be alive, once again. So, I guess that this is how I will continue to survive. There is a check list: one, notice beautiful weather and two, find an odd song. The system is foolproof! Genius even! Unless...the weather doesn't want to cooperate. Ah well.
I suppose I'll make today great, I wonder how I'll do it. Work on that short story? Fat chance. Go get hammered? A possibility. Sit in and play video games? Likely. Frankly I'd like to go see a play..or even be in one! Wouldn't that be wonderful?
I will leave you all to your Friday, and I wish for you to have the best one you can.

I'm Back?

After a few wonderful weeks of mild depression, something changed. I had just left my English class, in which I had embarrassed myself by telling a very, nerdy joke, and snow had begun to fall heavily. I looked down at my personal music player (there will be no unnecessary, or shameless plugs for anyone in THIS blog!) and I decided that it was the right time for Bohemian Rhapsody (sorry I lied). I realize the irony of this, but the combination of the beautiful snow, and the sad (?) song made me see the world the way I used to see it, if only for six minutes.
It was so easy to clear away the dark clouds in my head. I felt lighter, and truly happy. It was amazing, I felt a surge of love from within and without.
Now to maintain this feeling. I'm so optimistic right now. Let's see how long I can keep it.

You

You did this to me. You bastard. I see you every day, I look into your freak eyes and I see you looking back at me, full of contempt. Filled with hate and judgment. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for you will it? Will it!? Why can't you just accept me? You make me doubt everyone. Every single hand that is extended to me, every smile flashed in my direction...you cause them to be mocking! Because of you, no one likes me. Because of you, I don't like me. Because of you, I can't sleep. Because of you, my waking life is spent being paranoid or trying to prove myself. You make my future bleak. An actor!? Ha! I couldn't even get noticed in high school. Friends? Forget it! You told me that I'll never have any. Even those, who I count among my friends, are suspect. You make me bottle up my emotions so that they explode out.
What did I do to you? Why do you hate me? Is it because I'm fat? I'll lose weight. Is it because I'm weird? I'll be normal. But, that won't satisfy you will it? Nothing will. You are insane. You are so demanding! Look what you've got me doing right now! Look what I've written! You don't care...you never will...
I miss it so badly. I didn't know how good I had it. You clouded my vision. You were the reason I didn't see how good it was. I'd trade any of the good, from what I have now, for any of the bad, from what I had then. You would probably ruin it then. You would make the bad worse. You would make me miss the good...
You make me doubt my beliefs. My core values. My philosophy. You are the downfall of everything I've ever done and everything I'll ever do. You make success insignificant. You sharpen failure. I'm not asking you to change. I just want you to go away. Why do you want to stay? What could possibly make you want to stay? Do you enjoy torturing me? Is that it? You get some sick pleasure from watching me squirm. Maybe we could share in that pleasure then..or would that ruin it? I can't be rid of you. Death isn't an option. You'd probably follow me there. Insanity? Perhaps. As long as I was someone else. You could follow me there too though couldn't you? That would give you the ultimate satisfaction. I won't give it to you.
Just go.

Here I am..?

So, here I am...and that's about it at this point. I'm trapped on top of this wonderfully dreadful mountain that I perceive to be my life. To be honest, I am extraordinarily lonely. I miss everything that I used to be. I dread everything that is in my future. So, here I am, compressed on both sides: longing and fear with a disgusting isolated feeling rotting me from the inside. I can keep pretending, at least I have that still.
I can keep up this damned facade. Philosophy is teaching me why I am wrong. Oh no, not wrong about what I am feeling, rather, I am wrong on my perceptions of reality. The worst part is...it actually makes sense. It isn't some bullshit I can just throw away and laugh about later, it's real and can be proven. Where I thought to find answers I've found only...well, nothing. More questions haven't come to mind, that would be welcome. If what I see is not even real, then why question it? Haha! I named my blog "Why?" and now I don't even want to ask anymore. Deep down, I still want to know, but now, there isn't a goal. Now "why not?" doesn't fulfill my desire. "Why not?" has become a sort of joke...with real answers...and real implications.
I wish I wasn't awake, rather I wish I still lived in that blissful stupidity. Not knowing was comfortable...I could find answers one at a time, and they'd be found for fun's sake. Now, something as easy as "Here I am" holds no meaning...answers aren't fun, they are terrifying and even worthless. It's as if I am trying to fill a glass with a hole in the bottom. Worse, I'm filling that glass and I KNOW there is a hole, but I keep on pouring with and idiotic smile on my face. Why can't I just get old so I can stop worrying, settle into mundane obscurity, like everyone else? A professor said something to my class. He said, "Philosophy is a dangerous profession. Many are killed and for those who aren't, off themselves." Thinking is dangerous to one's health. When one dwells, they die, or go mad. Neither is an appealing choice. So what is left? Stop asking? Stop questioning? Simply exist? If only it were that easy.
So, now I have to face, yet another, question: "what should I do?" Or, better yet: "why should I do?" Here I am, on the doorstep what may be one of the most important choices of my life...and I don't even know if I AM. Frankly, I don't know what answer is worse. If I do exist, if I don't...Perhaps, it's better assuming the former, but I'll never truly know. On that track (the one where I am, rather than I am not, pay attention now) I am faced with my desire to make everything the way it used to be. I know it never will be, I've even accepted that fact, but the longing won't go away. On top of that, "what should I do?" rears its ugly head again. I want certain things...and then I don't...and then I do...etc. I wish I knew what I was going to become, so that I could resent it and then accept it. Life would be far easier. Maybe, it would keep my mind off of the past.
For now, I'll enjoy that wonderful crushing hug that I mentioned earlier and maybe make some friends...haha, it took me seventeen years the last time! So, reader, wish me luck. I'll wish you contentment, because I know I'll never find it for myself.

Quick! This isn’t important!

Why do all these millions of people send themselves out over the internet? Are we all so insecure with ourselves that we must seek the approval of strangers? How does their opinion matter? Does any of this matter? Does this blog matter? Realistically, the answer is a resounding “NO!!!” “Didja notice the extra exclamation marks? Maybe that get that got my point across!!! Do ya understand me better now that I have expressed myself?!?!?!????!?” I try not to read back through the sentences that pour out…so I hope that the (for my sake….not yours). What does it all really mean? I don’t have any answers, neither do you, or anyone else in this small blue marble that we live on….HA! I love being a “deep” blogger….Doesn’t one contradict the other? I’m not sure…who is? HA! Life seems to be going well, as of late, and I am enjoying the ride. Certainly, I can be depressed and dark when I am ten, fifteen, twenty-thousand feet under. If I am to be buried, I would like to go as deep as humanly possible…I’m not sure why. Perhaps, it would be the thrumming of the living Earth, its’ heart close and warm. I can’t possibly conceive being in a cold, dark box, close enough to the surface where my body can be disturbed. Not that it would matter! I’d be dead right? Well, I will feel better during life knowing that my body wouldn’t be desecrated. I want to be old enough not to care. Not yet, but eventually. I have met many elderly folks who are spring-loaded, and also, there’s the other ones who are loose and serene. Gray hair is something that I don’t reject, it’s something I look forward to. I was going to spend some time justifying that statement, but it doesn’t matter…this entire post has the significance of…well nothing for that matter.
Cheers!

What is?

I was reading a “blog” by a friend of mine and a dark cloud of jealousy corrupted my visage. NO! I’m not stealing his idea I just wanted to mention something that would, most likely be found under the same heading. Old English…is essentially German. I thought I should mention that. No, there is no particular reason, though I do enjoy struggling to understand it. Bes is eald engle! Interesting right? Anyway, I would also like to mention my opinion of the new “image” of a certain political party. Really, I ask, what in the hell are you all thinking? In a way, it is really (really) depressing that politics needs to be simplified…at all! If you don’t understand something, there’s a reason, you aren’t educated in that particular subject. I’m no elitist, but if you don’t research a subject, then you shouldn’t understand it. For the love of God, please stop the steady decline of humanity! Reverse the cycle and pick up a book! At least, give an article or two a once over, before an opinion formulates in that head of yours. The media should NOT be your only resource. Please make educated opinions and stop telling my your…the only way I can describe them, INSAINE opinions that you base on nothing. Ha, look at me! I’m scolding the ambiguous “you.” The thing about “you” is that he never defends himself. “You” always remains silent and accepts any assumptions pile onto him. I really pity “you.” No, no, not you the reader. Don’t judge me! Read more carefully, I’m not really talking to you at all am I?

Not Bipolar...Keep that in Mind

I am not full of angst. It’s the strangest thing. “A teenager,” you ask “who isn’t particularly moody?” Well, the answer to your unasked question is a resounding, YES! Well, maybe not that excited, but still un-tormented by inner demons. At the same time, I naively wonder what it is like to be a tortured artist or a generally unhappy person. I wish I could be a deep brooding coffee house-dweller who reads edgy poetry. I’m not sure that I could handle it. Such emotional stress would manifest itself as physical stress and I would likely find myself unable to move by midday. Trustfully, I don’t know how they do it. I tried to be angst-y for an entire day once. I used a fight I had with a friend as the base for by anger and depression. I couldn’t hold on to it for more than an hour or so. Maybe I just don’t have the proper training. I’m not sure.
I’ve never really listen to much music. If you’d ask me a question on the subject I would stare at you, mouth slack, eyes glossy, and answer your inquiry with an eloquent “Gah?” Even the music I do listen to, I know little about. I tend to listen to big band era, jazz, and classical music. I know! What a freak! …I’m pretty sure I just called myself a freak, but I will venture onward. Something about a full, swingin’ band gets to me and I can’t help but perform a stereotypically white dance. When I listen to Bach or Hayden I almost have to do that goofy air composer thing. You know what? I enjoy doing what I do, so it doesn’t matter what it looks like…well, at least to me it doesn’t matter.
I think I lied a little bit when I said that I was angst-less. There is one thing that really (pardon the cliché) pisses me off. Why do people insist on making asses of themselves? Let me go a little more in depth. I think it is pretty safe for me to say that I really do little to gain the animosity of others. I really do live by my “dinky” code of conduct. I truly believe that we are all beings based in pure happiness, so I treat others as I would treat myself. I mean, if we are all capable of happiness, mankind’s primal nature, then what gives me the right to disallow another being of his/her true self? So, using my same logic, I am completely baffled by others who seek to destroy their fellow beings. In what stretch of the imagination does it make sense to ridicule others, especially another who does not retaliate or disserve mockery? Perhaps it sounds conceited, but I have done NOTHING to disserve others talking about me…BEHIND MY BACK! Who the hell do you think you are? What gives you the right, what have I done to disserve your venom?
Of course, I brush it off, but it the question still haunts me, deep in my subconscious. I know that no matter what you do, someone will dislike you, but I do not accept or understand their stinging remarks. I regress to my introverted meditation…release my anguish and return to Life. I must hold on to my beliefs, and thus remain my cheerful self. Life marches on and there is no point to dwell on the negative…what does it accomplish?