Why Again?

Well reader, it has come to my attention that this blog has become something with the emotional equivalent of a goth kid's "poetry" journal and with the secular and spiritual value of a used tissue. I would never profess myself to be a talented writer, so I do not hold onto the illusion that my rants have any effect on your emotions or your daily life. Frankly, I doubt that anything written here makes you think. You see, I'm not deep. Ha! Like you haven't figured that out by now! Let's cut the crap, as they say. However, I have never professed to be such.
I could sit here and ask useless questions all day, but nothing will change, will it? Will it? I've asked "why?" more than a handful of times, but does that question mean anything? Recently, I thought I had discovered that, no it didn't. "Why" has generated new meaning for me.
I know I exist. Thank/damn you philosophy! A sigh of relief. A reprieve. I think therefore I am...TRUTH! I finally understand what that means and the implications of that truth. I used to think I understood that thought and I did, at least the gist of it. The meaning is deeper and more fundamental than I originally conceived, however these words are the rantings of a madman! Descartes, how right you are sir, how inspired those five simple words are, but why? Why would you ruin brilliance with appalling (that's the lightest word I can justly use) logic. You can't reason in circles...well you can, but it is certainly cheating. Anyhow, even though my own existence is assured (thank you Time and Space), I'm not so sure about yours. It won't effect how I act toward you, I'll still be the same me I've always been; however, I'll never truly know if you are real, or if you are some sort of illusion (created by an evil demon, a hologram, or whatever effects brains in jars). So why even bother questioning if nothing is changed? Let me be quite honest, the incredible excitement and happiness I have when I write this answer is incredible. I feel like I used to. I feel alive and not even in a cliche way! (Back on track). Why? Why not? Ha! I said it!
Life is full of questions and they aren't even hard to find. Dear reader, I feel a tremendous upswing of positivity and though this venture holds no value (wait, what does a used tissue cost these days?) I will continue to voice my musings in this fashion. I will follow the stream of deep thought, through the ups and downs, the depressing and the lighthearted, not to find answers, but to simply ask why about what many choose to ignore.

A Lovely Meal

"Come in from the cold, you'll catch your death out there! Here, have some towels to dry off. No, no, no that won't do! Come, come sit by the fire. Relax, warm your tired feet. Something to eat? No, no, no I'm sorry I only make enough for myself...well, maybe I can whip something up...you DO look hungry, after all. What to make though? Something hearty, I think. I'll make you something that will stay with you, for a while at least. How about a good stew? Yes! That is just the thing! What do you like in your stew? Well that does sound tasty. I've got something you'd like to try, something new, perhaps? Come in here, there are no free rides in this house, I'm afraid. Now, what do you crave deary? Oh! Well, let's see if we can find some humor then. Ah, here we are! Why don't you cut up while I look for some more ingredients. Hmm, let's see..ah ha! Thought? Just like my mother used to say, 'Every good stew needs some cohesion.' She was such a dear. Oh! You want to add some extra thought? I was thinking just the same thing! Now let's see...what else? Oh! Passion! Of course! Now, be careful with that deary. we wouldn't want to get caught up in ourselves, now would we? Wonderful! A few more ingredients and we'll have a lovely stew! Oh ho! My favorite! Joy! Let's go heavy with a the joy, you can never have too much! This is shaping up to be a fine meal! Do you think we need anything else? A yes...yes, I see. Well, please add your secret ingredient then. I'm sure you have some wisdom to impart unto this little stew. Won't you share your secret with me? Ah, I see. I suppose I've lived long enough not knowing, that a few more moments won't do me any harm. Well now, I'd say we've cobbled together a fine stew. Oh, it smells simply divine! I know my table isn't the fanciest, but it will do, I'm sure. Let's be sure to say grace before enjoying our lovely meal. Heavenly father, bless this table, bless this food, and bless our hearts, so that we may love you as you love us. Amen! Now, my dear, let's eat!"

Mushroom

Thank you, Flyleaf! Despite "I'm So Sick" being extremely dark and foreboding, with it and the lovely clear sky, I have been given another boost! Here I am, happy to be alive, once again. So, I guess that this is how I will continue to survive. There is a check list: one, notice beautiful weather and two, find an odd song. The system is foolproof! Genius even! Unless...the weather doesn't want to cooperate. Ah well.
I suppose I'll make today great, I wonder how I'll do it. Work on that short story? Fat chance. Go get hammered? A possibility. Sit in and play video games? Likely. Frankly I'd like to go see a play..or even be in one! Wouldn't that be wonderful?
I will leave you all to your Friday, and I wish for you to have the best one you can.

I'm Back?

After a few wonderful weeks of mild depression, something changed. I had just left my English class, in which I had embarrassed myself by telling a very, nerdy joke, and snow had begun to fall heavily. I looked down at my personal music player (there will be no unnecessary, or shameless plugs for anyone in THIS blog!) and I decided that it was the right time for Bohemian Rhapsody (sorry I lied). I realize the irony of this, but the combination of the beautiful snow, and the sad (?) song made me see the world the way I used to see it, if only for six minutes.
It was so easy to clear away the dark clouds in my head. I felt lighter, and truly happy. It was amazing, I felt a surge of love from within and without.
Now to maintain this feeling. I'm so optimistic right now. Let's see how long I can keep it.

You

You did this to me. You bastard. I see you every day, I look into your freak eyes and I see you looking back at me, full of contempt. Filled with hate and judgment. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for you will it? Will it!? Why can't you just accept me? You make me doubt everyone. Every single hand that is extended to me, every smile flashed in my direction...you cause them to be mocking! Because of you, no one likes me. Because of you, I don't like me. Because of you, I can't sleep. Because of you, my waking life is spent being paranoid or trying to prove myself. You make my future bleak. An actor!? Ha! I couldn't even get noticed in high school. Friends? Forget it! You told me that I'll never have any. Even those, who I count among my friends, are suspect. You make me bottle up my emotions so that they explode out.
What did I do to you? Why do you hate me? Is it because I'm fat? I'll lose weight. Is it because I'm weird? I'll be normal. But, that won't satisfy you will it? Nothing will. You are insane. You are so demanding! Look what you've got me doing right now! Look what I've written! You don't care...you never will...
I miss it so badly. I didn't know how good I had it. You clouded my vision. You were the reason I didn't see how good it was. I'd trade any of the good, from what I have now, for any of the bad, from what I had then. You would probably ruin it then. You would make the bad worse. You would make me miss the good...
You make me doubt my beliefs. My core values. My philosophy. You are the downfall of everything I've ever done and everything I'll ever do. You make success insignificant. You sharpen failure. I'm not asking you to change. I just want you to go away. Why do you want to stay? What could possibly make you want to stay? Do you enjoy torturing me? Is that it? You get some sick pleasure from watching me squirm. Maybe we could share in that pleasure then..or would that ruin it? I can't be rid of you. Death isn't an option. You'd probably follow me there. Insanity? Perhaps. As long as I was someone else. You could follow me there too though couldn't you? That would give you the ultimate satisfaction. I won't give it to you.
Just go.

Here I am..?

So, here I am...and that's about it at this point. I'm trapped on top of this wonderfully dreadful mountain that I perceive to be my life. To be honest, I am extraordinarily lonely. I miss everything that I used to be. I dread everything that is in my future. So, here I am, compressed on both sides: longing and fear with a disgusting isolated feeling rotting me from the inside. I can keep pretending, at least I have that still.
I can keep up this damned facade. Philosophy is teaching me why I am wrong. Oh no, not wrong about what I am feeling, rather, I am wrong on my perceptions of reality. The worst part is...it actually makes sense. It isn't some bullshit I can just throw away and laugh about later, it's real and can be proven. Where I thought to find answers I've found only...well, nothing. More questions haven't come to mind, that would be welcome. If what I see is not even real, then why question it? Haha! I named my blog "Why?" and now I don't even want to ask anymore. Deep down, I still want to know, but now, there isn't a goal. Now "why not?" doesn't fulfill my desire. "Why not?" has become a sort of joke...with real answers...and real implications.
I wish I wasn't awake, rather I wish I still lived in that blissful stupidity. Not knowing was comfortable...I could find answers one at a time, and they'd be found for fun's sake. Now, something as easy as "Here I am" holds no meaning...answers aren't fun, they are terrifying and even worthless. It's as if I am trying to fill a glass with a hole in the bottom. Worse, I'm filling that glass and I KNOW there is a hole, but I keep on pouring with and idiotic smile on my face. Why can't I just get old so I can stop worrying, settle into mundane obscurity, like everyone else? A professor said something to my class. He said, "Philosophy is a dangerous profession. Many are killed and for those who aren't, off themselves." Thinking is dangerous to one's health. When one dwells, they die, or go mad. Neither is an appealing choice. So what is left? Stop asking? Stop questioning? Simply exist? If only it were that easy.
So, now I have to face, yet another, question: "what should I do?" Or, better yet: "why should I do?" Here I am, on the doorstep what may be one of the most important choices of my life...and I don't even know if I AM. Frankly, I don't know what answer is worse. If I do exist, if I don't...Perhaps, it's better assuming the former, but I'll never truly know. On that track (the one where I am, rather than I am not, pay attention now) I am faced with my desire to make everything the way it used to be. I know it never will be, I've even accepted that fact, but the longing won't go away. On top of that, "what should I do?" rears its ugly head again. I want certain things...and then I don't...and then I do...etc. I wish I knew what I was going to become, so that I could resent it and then accept it. Life would be far easier. Maybe, it would keep my mind off of the past.
For now, I'll enjoy that wonderful crushing hug that I mentioned earlier and maybe make some friends...haha, it took me seventeen years the last time! So, reader, wish me luck. I'll wish you contentment, because I know I'll never find it for myself.

Quick! This isn’t important!

Why do all these millions of people send themselves out over the internet? Are we all so insecure with ourselves that we must seek the approval of strangers? How does their opinion matter? Does any of this matter? Does this blog matter? Realistically, the answer is a resounding “NO!!!” “Didja notice the extra exclamation marks? Maybe that get that got my point across!!! Do ya understand me better now that I have expressed myself?!?!?!????!?” I try not to read back through the sentences that pour out…so I hope that the (for my sake….not yours). What does it all really mean? I don’t have any answers, neither do you, or anyone else in this small blue marble that we live on….HA! I love being a “deep” blogger….Doesn’t one contradict the other? I’m not sure…who is? HA! Life seems to be going well, as of late, and I am enjoying the ride. Certainly, I can be depressed and dark when I am ten, fifteen, twenty-thousand feet under. If I am to be buried, I would like to go as deep as humanly possible…I’m not sure why. Perhaps, it would be the thrumming of the living Earth, its’ heart close and warm. I can’t possibly conceive being in a cold, dark box, close enough to the surface where my body can be disturbed. Not that it would matter! I’d be dead right? Well, I will feel better during life knowing that my body wouldn’t be desecrated. I want to be old enough not to care. Not yet, but eventually. I have met many elderly folks who are spring-loaded, and also, there’s the other ones who are loose and serene. Gray hair is something that I don’t reject, it’s something I look forward to. I was going to spend some time justifying that statement, but it doesn’t matter…this entire post has the significance of…well nothing for that matter.
Cheers!